Marriage & Relationships: 7 Tips For Success

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Marriage & Relationships: 7 Tips For Success

Posted 19 Sep 2018

Emotional Health

Nicola Beer

Marriage & Relationships: 7 Tips For Success

Challenging relationships in the present or past can cause our self-esteem to decrease. Especially if there has been a betrayal of trust.  If you have consistent self-defeating thoughts, boosting your self-esteem may seem like a huge mountain to climb. However, if you take a step back, you can see that low self-esteem is just a cycle of thoughts and breaking any part of that cycle can stop the whole thing in its tracks.

You can take steps each day to build confidence and feel better about yourself. Let’s look at a few of the most important steps you can take to develop and gain a healthier sense of self-worth, which impact the quality of your life and relationships.

1. View your life story with compassion 

We can’t change the past. Acceptance is part of the solution. Once you can accept yourself and your life, you can put in place a strategy that will help you to recover and gain control of the situation. Our experiences shape us and make us what we are today — both the good and the bad. We can choose to let it impact our life negatively or positively. Making sense of your life story is an important gateway to loving yourself, despite your perhaps unsupportive choices.  For example: I struggled with food and alcohol. I used it for many years to numb myself because I felt I was not good enough and felt lonely. This in turn, made me more angry and disgusted with myself. I felt like a failure.

It was only when I started to have compassion for myself and for the habits I picked up, I was able to stop them. When I saw that these habits were just my way of coping with my troubled relationships, I became free from their grip.  The self-attacking stopped. You see my mum was either depressed or aggressive, my father was absent and I went on in my adult life to attract me who were absent. Until I worked on myself and built my self-esteem I kept attracting men that would disappear on me, after cleared the limiting thoughts I began to have great loving relationships with all of those around me. 

Think about experiences in your past and how they could have shaped your present actions and behavior.  By linking past experiences to your present, you’ll be able to understand the motives behind your actions better, let go and move forward.  They key is to do this lovingly and not by being so hard on yourself.

Having helped people for over a decade now, I can tell you that every single person I have helped calm their aggressive behavior was treated aggressively by others. Be it from parents, siblings, teachers, school bullies or romantic partners. The behavior was learned and was directed at others not only as a release, but also as an automatic reaction triggered by their bullied past.

For many addictions form as a way to cope and escape reality or get an instant fix of short-term happiness. Once we begin to look at our life story with compassion for ourselves, we can stop letting the past define us and determine who and what we want to be, as a result of it.

 2. You hold the power

It can sometimes feel like others have power over us and this can crush our self-esteem. However, the reality is that unless we give it to them, no one really has power and ownership over us.  Many men and women come to me saying that they are being controlled and monitored for every movement that they make, which is obviously difficult to deal with. Especially when it leads them to fear of making decisions and doing things they want to do. Many also lose confidence in their abilities and can feel incapable of rational thinking. Whilst we cannot control another’s behavior, we can always control our own. Just because someone is acting out, it doesn’t necessarily mean we have to comply. I am not saying it is easy to take back control. If you have been people pleasing for a long time in an effort to keep peace, and have pushed your needs to the side, it may seem quite scary to claim your power.

The truth is you’re the only person who has power over yourself.

“No one can make you feel or do something without your permission”

Then there is GUILT. I cannot tell you how many men and women have said to me that they do things out of guilt.  Guilt is a wasted potent emotion that serves none. One of the best gifts you can give yourself in life is letting go of guilt. Totally freeing.

3. Remember you know what is right for you

You’re the only person who knows what is best for you. There will always be situations and people that will want you to make decisions that serve their interests. This is human nature. However, you need to asses if such a decision is good for you or not. As much as you care for harmonious relationships, you need to take an alternative decision if your intuition tells you otherwise. It is your job to take care of your own needs and if you find that hard, consider getting some support.

4. Be kind and patient with yourself

Think about how you treat your friends; more than likely you say kind things and are supportive of them, you may get them a gift or thank and praise them regularly. Do the same for yourself.

For example: it’s unlikely you would tell a friend in need to “get over it.” Or that they are stupid, a failure and not good enough. Decide today to treat yourself how you treat your friends and notice how better you feel.

5. Spend time with people who build you up

Get out and connect with others as much as possible, be it with good friends over lunch or a support group. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and try a new activity. This can be a great confidence booster. Don’t isolate it often, doesn’t help increase self-esteem.

6. Give back

Helping others gives meaning and a sense of purpose. It can also help take our minds off our own struggles. Making someone smile is infectious. Try and find a local charity group that you can volunteer for maybe once a week or try helping out a neighbor with anything they might need.

7. Seek professional help and guidance

Reaching out to counsellors in Abu Dhabi and Dubai can be the most efficient way to boost your self-esteem. Having someone help us break the cycle of negative self-talk, and instead help us learn to value our self can be life changing. It was for me, that’s why I do what I do. If you would like to talk in confidence with me about how to deal with strained or difficult relationships or ways to increase your confidence, click here for a free 30-minute session with me.

In summary, always do what feels right, trust and praise yourself.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

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Nicola_Beer says:

7 months 15 hours ago
That's great, so happy you agree Manrik, they really can transform marriages and lives :)

Nicola_Beer says:

7 months 15 hours ago
That's great, so happy you agree Manrik, they really can transform marriages and lives :)

@Curious says:

7 months 15 hours ago
Mabrūk on these tips that can help so many people I know. I especially like point 5 and always try to put myself in the company of others who are positive and can build me up

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